I was told that Kappa Delta would bring about lifetime friendships. It probably does for some people, but it didn't for me. This was made apparent when I walked into the room at Ritual, was hugged by five girls, then not spoken to the rest of the time I was there. Whenever I see any of my "sisters" they always tell me I need to come visit or that we need to go to lunch, but I honestly am afraid it would be just like Ritual was, and what's the fun in that? I can't say that I am surprised that this is how things are, because that is how things were living in the KD house. I felt very alone for the eight long months I lived there. I took extra shifts at the movie theater so I could get out of going to meetings and activities. By second semester last year, I just flat out stopped caring, and didn't go to anything anymore. I had more fun being other places with people who I felt comfortable around.
I am definitely NOT saying that I did not meet some fantastic girls by joining Kappa Delta. If I said that, it would be the biggest lie I have ever told, probably bigger than all the lies I have ever told combined. There are some wonderful girls in that organization, and not only is Kappa Delta lucky to have them, but the whole world is lucky to have them. Many of them are going to make a difference in the world, and make a positive impact on someone's life, just like they did to mine. Though I hated it at the time, moving into the Kappa Delta house when I did was a blessing in disguise. I constantly had 25 girls around at all times, which meant always having someone to talk to. That year was a hard one for me, and it made it easier knowing that I had girls that would help me get through anything. As much as I hated living there, I was good for me in the end, and it is kind of sad that it has taken me this long to realize that.
I guess up to this point I haven't made it clear why I even wrote the very first sentence of this post. Kappa Delta was supposed to make me a better person and teach me about all these things I was supposed to be. That isn't what happened for me though; I learned all the things I was not:
- I am not a girl who loves wearing heels every chance I get
- nor am I a girl who loves being told that I have to dress up every single Monday of the school year.
- I am not comfortable shaking hands with every single person I meet at parties; come on people, its not a business
- My hair is not flawless like all the girls I lived with
- I am not 5'3" and definitely do not weigh 115 pounds
- I am not a public relations, business, or marketing major, nor will I ever be
- I am not a leader,
- but I am a dang good follower
- I do not feel comfortable talking in front of other people
- I don't always love hugging people
- I don't love the gym like I should
- I still can't justify spending over $100 on a pair of jeans
- I am not ever going to attend a lingere party; get a boyfriend.
- I don't love devoting 37 hours a week to an organization I don't really care about
But reading through that list, I have realized that none of those things even matter. I am
- kind
- loving
- considerate
- organized
- pretty-like real, average pretty, not fake tanned and cake faced
- funny
- real
- studious
- in a constant state of excitement
- very emotional, but in a healthy way
- passionate
- going to make a difference in peoples' lives someday in my own way
- reliable
- prompt
- helpful
- not a person who should be made to feel like they aren't good enough.
- a constant learner
- a good sister
- a good daughter
- a great wife
- a great mother of one...to a cat
- a good friend when given the chance
- a dreamer
- hopeful
- strong
- still healing
- stable
- smart
- an avid reader
- open to new adventures
Most importantly
- I am happy.
It is hard to be happy when you are constantly surrounded by people that don't make you feel great about yourself, and that is what Kappa Delta did, and still sometimes does, to me.I thought that more girls would show up to my wedding, but the important ones were there and that was all that matters. I thought that ritual would be a better reunion, but the girls that cared then are still the ones that yell "hi" to me from halfway across campus. Kappa Delta was just a stepping stone on my path to finding out who I am. It taught me a lot of things that I am not, and a lot of things that I never will be, but being away from it I have learned what is most important in life. And I can honestly say for the first time in long, long time, that I am so so happy, and I don't think that will change any time soon.
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