We hadn't planned to go down to Salt Lake this last weekend (together, that is. Brandon was planning to move down on Sunday) until halfway through the week. On Wednesday last week I got a call about a job interview on Friday. On Thursday, the day we were leaving to drive down, they called and scheduled my interview earlier in the day. Then later, I got a call about another interview just a little after the original time of my first interview-it wouldn't have worked out had the first interview not been moved. Talk about good timing. So we drove down Thursday night, made it barely before the snow, and woke up early the next morning for my interviews. Brandon was the sweetest guy and drove me all around and hung out in the car while I was inside. The first interview was at 8:00, the second at 10:30, and then we had an appointment with a realtor at 12:30. We got a little lost, and at 12:30, we weren't at the meeting spot, but the phone rang, and I was offered a job at the first place I interviewed at (more on that later). I literally started crying when I hung up the phone because everything just seems to be falling into place with this whole move.
Brandon had applied for more than 300 jobs in Boise since the time we moved here, and was offered two of them. He applied for just one in Salt Lake, and it was offered to him. We put our house up for sale after only living in it for seven months, and it sold within a week. I interviewed for three jobs, and got the one I was most excited about. And the job is in the area we liked the most (even though it wasn't the most logical choice for Brandon's commute), so that allowed us to look for a house in an area we loved. We house hunted all day Friday and Saturday and were feeling so defeated, like nothing was going to work out. The very last home we saw was one we had forgotten about, even though when we originally looked at the listing, we were SO excited. Like, I texted Brandon in all caps and multiple exclamation points when I saw it for the first time. And it did not disappoint. We have a tendency when apartment/house hunting to sit down in the place we feel most comfortable. After twenty minutes of us sitting on the floor, I pointed this out to Brandon, and we went and put an offer on the home.
People keep asking how I am doing with this whole thing, and my answer is typically "if I don't think about it, then I'm fine." And that is true for the most part. When I start thinking about things, like how I won't get to hang out with my family whenever I want, and how much I am going to miss them, and our cute little house, and all the people I work with, I get sad. And then I cry. My goal this move is to shed as few tears as possible. I hate change. I love trying new things, but I hate situational changes. I don't cope well with them. I'm not sure where the issue spawned from, but every time a major change happens, I feel like I'm going to lose something. For example, every single time Brandon and I have moved, I feel like he won't be moving with me, like we won't be married anymore. I know it is a crazy thought to have, but it happens every time. When we were moving out of our first apartment, I cried every time I packed up a picture of us. This time, though, even though I'm saying I'm just not thinking about it, I mostly just feel a weird sense of calmness. Like something is telling me that it's not going to be easy, but that it's going to be okay.
I lived in Utah (Logan) for four and a half years before moving back to Boise, and for probably three and a half of those years I was severely depressed. It's not something I talk about a lot, because I hate to think about it, but it influenced my life in a lot of ways, both good and bad. My biggest hesitation with ever even considering moving to Salt Lake was that it would end up being very similar to my time in Logan (I was nervous about the negatives, obviously, not the positives). I think a lot of people were quick to jump on my back about not wanting to move back to Utah, because being from Utah or having lived so many years there, they loved it and couldn't see why someone wouldn't want to live there. No one needs to know every tiny detail of what made up the dark years, but I can tell you that it's hard to imagine living in a place that sucked every desire of being alive straight from my body.
People will say "good things happened too, focus on the good things!" Trust me, I've tried. I recognize the good things, I really do, but a mind molded by depression doesn't always work that way.
Luckily, Brandon's interview process was a long one, and that gave me plenty of time to come to terms with the fact that this was probably going to happen, and also to flip my attitude from nervousness about the move to excitement for Brandon. And I'm slowly getting to excitement for myself. The job opportunity itself is too great to turn down, but this is going to be a fun new chapter of our lives together, too. We will be in a new place with friends, finally, and I am so excited about it. I have felt a lot of peace knowing that on the hardest days I will have at least two friends I can turn to, two friends that helped me through the hardest days and that I know will love me unconditionally no matter what I feel.
I'm feeling extremely blessed to not be feeling the anxiety I thought I would experience. Like I said before, something is just telling me that it may not be easy, but that I'm going to be okay.
On our drive to the airport yesterday, I decided I wanted to make a sort of New Years resolution for 2016, but specifically for the move. I'm feeling all sorts of good about it right now, but I know there will be days where I miss every single thing about Boise and just want to lie down and be miserable. So my resolution/statement for the upcoming change is this: embrace the new with optimism. or at least try.
I was thinking about all the fun things we will get to do-Real games, hiking, Jazz games, Park City whenever we want, exploring different areas of Utah, and being closer to places we weren't able to go as often as we wanted as students-and I was thinking about how much I want to love all those things as much as my friends do. I formed my resolution knowing that sometimes, I won't want to enjoy Utah, because I'm stubborn and I hate change, but I at least have to try. A long time ago my dad went through some training thing at work and their mantra was "act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic." It even came with a fun little dance to do while you said it. Brandon, if you read this, force me to do the stupid dance whenever I'm being stubborn.
I don't feel like I'm setting myself up for negativity every day. I actually am really excited for our new jobs, our new house, to be by friends, and for all the things we get to do (I am compiling a list already). But I'm writing this post now to remind myself that on those rare days when I'm not excited, it's okay to just try and be optimistic. Because leaving things behind is hard, and it's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to give up and write off all the opportunities that are placed in front of me.
All that being said, this move is not just about me, and I hope no one thinks that I think that just through reading this (here, on this blog where I write, and even though it is titled B&C, we all know that I'm the only one that writes and the opinions on here are solely my own). I am super excited for Brandon, who started his new position just a few hours ago. This job will allow so much room for him to grow, and hopefully it will challenge him on a daily basis. And I appreciate that throughout the interview process, he dissected the aspects of the job and the prospect of moving to make sure that it would be good for both of us and our marriage as a collective whole, and not just for his professional life. And I also appreciate that every time I cry about missing my family, he apologizes unnecessarily (and incessantly) and says that he is willing to drive or fly me back every weekend if that's what I want. He's the best husband, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.
If you are reading this last sentence, congratulations! You have officially made it through the most emotional post I've ever written. Also, sorry. Because sometimes emotional is not fun. But thanks for letting me have this little corner of the internet to shout my thoughts into. It's therapeutic.
And finally, I am constructing a Utah bucket list. If anyone has anything they think should be on the list, let me know!
I'm sorry living in Utah was such a dark time for you. It's hard to dissociate bad times with the setting you are in at the time, especially when it's far away from family. Hopefully Salt Lake is different enough than Logan that you won't be reminded of those times. I think it's very different and there are soooo many things to do there. Some things for your bucket list: The Living Aquarium, Hogle Zoo, and there are a lot of cool concert venues, too. Don't forget that you have two sisters in Utah. I hope you'll save some time to hang out with us, too. ;) Can't wait for you guys to be closer! Please let me know if you need someone to talk to or help packing or anything else. Moving is so stressful and change is hard, but so far, all I've seen from you is enthusiasm, so I think you're doing great sticking to being positive.
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